neonwar

neonwar @ 2008-11-05T20:46:00

2008-11-06T03:10:39Z

Whenever I feel like I'm losing control of my life, I tend to go out of my way to destroy myself as much as possible.
let's start from the beginning though...
There was a fight, and, of course, it escalated, but this time I didn't just threaten things. "You never had that quality in you that would make me not want to cheat on you. Eric had it. I know Justin has it too." This time though, after I said I'd move out, I posted a Craigslist ad looking for someone to take my place, and packed up all of my shit up. I made arrangements to move into a new apartment in Wicker Park and found a friend who would be willing to let me use his car to drive my shit to the new place. We both yelled some more, and then he got so upset that he threw up, and i walked into my room and started crying until Micah sent me a text message asking to hang out. Before I even replied, I got dressed and left my house and headed towards the rally downtown, I watched Obama's speech and suddenly, I didn't care about the bullshit at home. Maybe it was the million people downtown hugging each other and celebrating and hearing "YES WE CAN!" shouted through the streets of Chicago in one unified voice. It was uplifting, and I was looking forward to hanging out with Micah and Steven all night.
THEN THINGS TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORSE.

Micah: I'm going to go to bed. I'm sorry.
Andrew: It's okay. Don't worry about it.

I spent a few minutes wondering what to do. I didn't want to go back home, but I ended up doing it anyway. Of course, Guillermo's latest MySpace boyfriend, Justin, was at our house and they were drinking.
"You're not supposed to use my cups. Why are you two drinking with MY cups?"
"I hope you know how crazy you sound right now."
"I fully understand how ridiculous and stupid this is, but if you're going to tell me that I can't eat any of the food in the house, because the last time we went grocery shopping you paid for everything, then you're not allowed to use the plates and cups, because i paid for those. Now give me your cups, I want to wash all the dishes before I pack them."

and I washed dishes to forget about how upset I was. It worked. It worked up until I went into the living room to use my cell phone and heard the two of them fooling around in his bedroom. So I didn't what I always do when I don't want to be hurt by someone else: hurt myself by creating a night full of regrets!
I called up my friend Andrew, and he said he was at this gay club called Berlin. I instantly headed over there, he was inside the place was 21+, so I found some guy standing outside and grabbed his hand. "You're going to be my boyfriend for the night. I need you to get me into this club and but me some drinks." so he pulled my into the club. Not to sound egotistical, but if you're hot and act like a slut (i.e., walk into the club while molesting someone) bouncers wont check your ID, because owners of clubs make a living off of people like that. My boyfriend of the night then told me he had a bunch of coke at his place, and this is when my night went from average gay baring to self destructive. After a while, we all just got tired of the club, and walked back to my boyfriend for the night's place. There were 5 of us, I wasn't supposed to bring anyone with me, but I made my friend Andrew come along, because I never feel comfortable doing more than pot unless I have someone I trust around me. After we were at his place for a while, he decided it should be an underwear party, so we all got into our underwear and did coke while watching YouTube videos and fagging out. We stayed up until 7am doing coke, and then we all kind of got lazy and slow and ended up on the bed. after about what felt like 5 hours, but was probably 20 minutes, I noticed matty's hand grabbing mine and he shoved it down ryan's underwear, and after that happened, all hell broke loose and what was supposed to be a innocent night of just getting away from guillermo turned into an coke fueled orgy.

this is why I stopped going out.

neonwar @ 2008-09-10T12:36:00

2008-09-10T18:07:07Z

I forgot the month of June.

I got a message from Doug this morning:
"I need some love right now.
I totaled my car.
I have no job. No money.
I am going to have a bench-warrant out for me soon (I can't get to dekalb county for court; even if I could I have no money to pay the ticket).
I'm somehow overdrawn at the bank.
Dude- I need a friend."

I had this conversation about Doug last night:
ambiguous shapes: i'm sad
mapthepiano: Why!? You're going yo be a greek god.
ambiguous shapes: i feel lonely.
mapthepiano: Oh
ambiguous shapes: it's really cold and being alone in a huge empty apartment is depressing
mapthepiano: Me too,strangely
mapthepiano: Where chad?
ambiguous shapes: i'm not sure.
ambiguous shapes: at home, i assume
mapthepiano: Go over
ambiguous shapes: he lives kind of far away
mapthepiano: Oh
mapthepiano: Haahahah call drew.
ambiguous shapes: NO PHONE
ambiguous shapes: i think not having a phone is why i feel so lonely.
mapthepiano: Probably. Are you on it a lot? When I didn't have my phone I was lost
mapthepiano: And at home all the time
ambiguous shapes: yeah, that's how i am
ambiguous shapes: i keep getting this feeling that no one wants to talk to me, and it takes me a while to realize no one is talking to me because they cant
ambiguous shapes: but that feeling is starting to overpower the rationalization of "well, they couldn't if they wanted to"
mapthepiano: Hahaahahaha
ambiguous shapes: it's really weird though
ambiguous shapes: i really miss doug
ambiguous shapes: i think i liked him more than i realized.
ambiguous shapes: every time i get lonely i want to talk to him. and only him specifically. earlier i was thinking about gravy train, and when junx asked doug his named, and when he told him it, junx broke out into the doug theme song and we all three of us sang along
mapthepiano: Awww
mapthepiano: That's awesome!
mapthepiano: Yeah
mapthepiano: Dougs nice.
mapthepiano: I can't believe he's not a hooker anymore.
mapthepiano: Maybe that's why you like him
mapthepiano: Rescue him and makehim move to chitown. He will totally emasculate guillermo
mapthepiano: Omg,doug would not stand for his shit.
ambiguous shapes: yeah, you remember how he was. he never did.

I miss him. I want to give him a ride, and take him out to dinner. Maybe I'll convince him to move here.

I feel like I'm a total downer lately. I can assure you under the moody bulletins and entries, I'm the happiest I've been in a while. I just don't handle isolation well anymore.

I'm determined to drink more water.
"No -- Yeah, you can drink tap water in Chicago."
"Shut the fuck up. I can't believe that."

neonwar @ 2008-09-09T22:16:00

2008-09-10T03:16:51Z

HUN GR Y

My iPhone turned on for .5 seconds, and i got so excited that i didn't know what to do with myself... then the screen turned white and the whole thing died and wont turn on again.

neonwar @ 2008-09-06T13:51:00

2008-09-06T19:42:38Z

September 5 7:30pm
"<3 feel better, andy. I'll be home for dinner."
September 5 8:47pm
"hey, they got ahold of my aunt. she isn't dead, but my mom still doesn't know who keeps calling her and harassing her and saying my aunt is dead."
September 5 11:50pm
"When are you coming home?"
September 5 12:00am
"About two more hours. I need to sober up."
September 5 12:02am
"I'm glad instead of coming home for dinner you got tucked up."
September 5 12:20am
"Tucked up?"
September 5 12:25am
"I meant F. Like in fuck you."

neonwar @ 2008-07-22T23:12:00

2008-07-23T03:25:56Z

OH MY GOD I ALMOST FORGOT THAT I SAW THE DARK KNIGHT. It was on a giant IMAX dome screen, so it was like everything was happening irl. I was so unbelievably turned on by Heath Ledger that I'm considering Necrophilia. Next Sunday I'm seeing X-Files, which will be just the same. You have no idea what kind of dirty, dirty things I want David Duchovny to do to me. It's creepy, but I looked up every movie that he's appeared naked in, and seen all of them multiple times.

http://www.vpl.bz/duchovny.htm

neonwar @ 2008-07-22T22:57:00

2008-07-23T02:58:39Z

I'm in Charlotte right now, visiting my grandmother/father. Guillermo is coming to pick me up tomorrow, and I'm preparing myself for an awkward 4 hour car ride. We'll probably get in a fist fight before the week's over. fun!

Brittney is coming from LA to visit me on Saturday and staying for 3 weeks :>>>>>>>>
get ready for story after story of my 3 week nonstop, self destructive, regretful next morning partying.

oh, and that guy Hunter I slept with might have AIDS lawls.

neonwar @ 2008-07-01T01:33:00

2008-07-01T05:33:44Z

every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

The Crucified Lovers

2008-06-29T03:40:08Z

An astonishing film by the Japanese director Mizoguchi called The Crucified Lovers is is without a doubt one of the most beautiful films about love ever made.
The nature of the film's story is extremely commonplace. It is set in classical Japan, whose plastic qualities, especially in the black and white, seem inexhaustible. A young woman is married to the proprietor of a small workshop, an honest man who lives in affluence. he is a bit of a drunkard, and a bit of a womanizer, not in a nasty way, but she doesn't love him, doesn't desire him.Enter a young man, an employee, with whom she falls in love. obviously, in these classical times, whose women Mizoguchi exalted for their endurance and misfortune, adultery is punished by death: the guilty must be crucified. the two lovers end up fleeing into the countryside. this sequence, which depicts their flight into the forest, in the world of paths, cabins, of lakes and of boats, is absolutely extraordinary. Love, itself tormented by its own power over this hunter and harassed couple, is enveloped in a nature as opaque as it is poetic. all the while, the honest husband tries to protect the runaways. husbands are obligated to denounce adulterers, otherwise they come to rue being held a party to it. nevertheless, the husband, and this is proof that he loves his wife deeply, tries to gain time. he pretends that his wife has left for her parents' place in the providences... he really is a good husband. he is a very beautiful character in the film, of a dense mediocrity. but all the same, the lovers are denounced and captured. they are taken and tortured.
finally, we come to the film's last images, which constitute a new instance of a philosophical situation. the two lovers are tied back to back on a mule. the shot frames the two bound lovers going to their atrocious deaths; both of them are as if rapt, but without pathos: on their faces is simply a hint of a smile, a kind of fortification in the smile. the word "smile" here is only an approximation. what their faces reveal is that they are totally in their love. but the film's thought here, embedded in the infinitely nuanced black and white of the faces, is not at all the romantic idea of a fusion of love and death. these "crucified lovers" never desired to die. the shot says, on the contrary: love is that which resists death.

INTERWEB

2008-06-24T09:31:16Z

I used to do this thing where I would screen print every social networking page I had, so I could remember things. It was like a journal with no words, except those written by others. I had a collection of years of pages. I lost all of them and stopped once I got a Mac. I think it was a good idea though, so since I'm terrible at writing, but want to use this, I'll start it up again.

These new diet pills are keeping me wide awake. I lost the remote to my TV, so I have nothing to do at 5am. Oh, make that 6am. Time flies when you're screen printing yourself.

summary

2008-06-24T04:50:13Z

awkward silences and awkward boys. drunken hook ups and regretful next mornings. gay bars, gay bars, gay bars. arrested for nothing and getting away with murder. is that an STD? moving so fast the weeks are blurred into days and months squashed into weeks. remembering who you are by forgetting what you can be. forgetting what you want. who you want. needing it more than you did before. deny needing at all. hair.

Neglect

2008-06-23T04:18:30Z

Top ten albums since January:

10. Indian Jewelry - We Are The Wild Beast
9. Girl Talk - Feed The Animals
8. Gravy Train!!!! - All the Sweet Stuff
7. Mazzy Star - So Tonight That I Might See
6. Does It Offend You, Yeah? - You Have No Idea What You're Getting Yourself Into
5. Scarlett Johansson - Anywhere I Lay My Head
4. The Cool Kids - The Bake Sale
3. Ladytron - Velocifero
2. Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours
1. Janelle Monáe - Metropolis, Suite I: The Chase

Best Albums of Janurary

2008-02-03T05:04:58Z

These are my favorite albums of last month. Not all of them were released last month, that's just when i got them.

Top ten albums of January 2008:

10. The Teenagers - Self Titled
9. HEALTH - HEALTH // DISCO
8. Various Artists - Disco Not Disco 1974 - 1986
7. Miranda July - The Binet-Simon Test
6. The Octopus Project / Black Moth Super Rainbow - The House of Apples & Eyeballs
5. Stereo Lab - Switched On
4. The Rapture - Mirror
3. Muscles - Guns Babes Lemonade
2. Cat Power - Jukebox
1. Xiu Xiu - Women as Lovers